What makes you attractive?


After having numerous discussions with many friends, I have put together a little piece, which I hope will entertain you at the very least, if not enlighten you.

Trying not to sound like Dr. Ross Geller, I have specified 3 main categories for attraction:

1) ‘Across the room’ attractive: The person’s smile, voice, body language, form, dressing, the way they hold a drink or a conversation, what they drink, how they dance. Some were drawn to the mysterious quiet type, while others liked the chirpy energetic type. Some wanted the other to make the first move, some thought that their own move should be read well by others. Few were turned on by how successful people were, whilst some openly said ‘richie rich’ was the only type that caught their attention. While all these things are what may draw you to the person, they may not keep your attention for long.

2) ‘When you get to know someone’ attractive: Sense of humour. Sarcastic Wit. Intelligence. Vocabulary. Conversation skills. How they treat other people, especially waiters. Their scent. Table manners. If they get your jokes. If they hold the door and pay/split the bill. Plan the plan and embrace the spontaneity. Enjoy the same things, activities. Eye contact. The chemical reaction that happens when they accidently touch you. A good listener. This is where you ascertain that people are not telling you what you want to hear, but are actually being their true selves.

3) ‘When you love someone’ attractive: Here is where the ‘fundamentals’ come in to play and ‘the list’ from category 1 goes out the window. Comfortable silences. When you want to wake up with someone and see them at their most natural. While talking to them you don’t see their face, not even their eyes, but the light inside them. When you remember each and every detail about their form, and find every little hair, spot or scar beautiful. When just their thought can excite you. When you complete each other’s sentences. When you pick the same thing from the menu, the same song from the list. When you see them stand for what’s right. When you see them defend you. Actions, rather than attributes, become attractive and sought after at this stage. When your thoughts about what is really important are aligned with someone else’s, when they can always make you laugh, then you have an attraction that will not fade with physical aging.

In the heated and sometimes hilarious discussions of what does and doesn’t get the temperature soaring, I was asked what I think of this subject. I was very clear on the issue. Being attractive is something you develop, it is not based on your looks. Yes some are born beautiful or handsome, photogenic and proportionate. Many of us work hard to keep fit and groom ourselves. But we have certain personality traits that maybe desirable and improved, yet others have to be kept under control. For me loyalty and communication were key in attraction. Of course loyalty takes time to assess, while communication is more easily gauged. A quality which is very attractive these days is a cool headed and patient personality. It comes in handy in our stressful lives.

When I remember admiring someone, the strongest feeling I recollect is how I felt being around them. If I was comfortable, wanted to spend more time and couldn’t wait to see them again was a sure enough sign. So the funny thing is how attractive someone else is has more to do with you, and your perception of them, than them individually. What qualities you see in a person may only be visible to you, either because you care enough to actually pay attention or because they are trying to reach out only to you. I recollect how I was warned against a ‘player’ type personality. I couldn’t see it. Sometime we wish to learn lessons the hard way and not heed the advise of our friends. Sure enough, a few months later, voila! Exit the Charmer, Enter the Player!

So get out there people, be the kind of person YOU would like to be around, and leave the rest to chemistry. Or was it biology? I was never any good at the sciences 😉

I end with a line that deeply resonated with me, from a recent film I saw, The secret life of Walter Mitty:

“Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”


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